Friday, 15 April 2016

Be, and it is

You Decreed it
I accepted it.
Then I didn't,
Becoming dissatisfied.
You sent me signs,
and I buried my head
Right in the ground,
Clinging to my interpretation,
Refusing to see the truth.
As I cradled my head
in the midst of memories,
I decreed to myself that it was to be...
It needed to be.
As days went by,
I indulged in this,
Living for something else
And not for You,
But You did not waver in Your Compassion,
Pouring Your Mercy.
Your Kindness was unfaltering,
And so I prayed for acceptance 
of Your Decree,
Kun Fa Ya Koon!


All my heart, with all its faults stands in awe when You save me. And for this I will never love the way I love You.

Saturday, 2 April 2016

The Kingdom

Once upon a time there lived pretty, petite princess. She lived in a kingdom occupied by many other princesses, and classically found her prince charming.

Charming was hardly a difficult attribute to find in this kingdom, there were plenty about. But unlike the frog-like appearance of his counterparts, he had managed to blossom, and appeared to befit the title of a prince, at least in his physical attributes.

So they began their courtship, and in their mutual attraction to one another discovered companionship in one another. What was next was simple, to involve the world in their pursuit to make their love renowned.  This was when the cracks began to appear in the prince’s character.

The prince was hardly in a position to be considered as such by the princess’s family. The princess’s family wanted a King, and not another prince, in line to the throne. This annoyed the prince, who believed in his worth and so decided to be patient and let her family witness his worth over time.

The princess knew that the prince was for her, and in her occupied mind of childhood fairytales believed wholeheartedly in her prince’s potential. This goodness and naivety colored her judgment, when rumors befell her.

He felt unappreciated, his earnest attempt to betroth his princess, his efforts were viewed with hesitation and conditioning. He believed himself to be a prince, but the lack of confidence presented before him, meant he meandered in self-doubt. This began to play its part and he began to look for validation of self worth in flirtatious dialogues with other princesses in the kingdom.

When the princess met secretly with her prince, unbeknownst to her family, she was reassured by the prince’s devotion to her. After all, the prince had been practicing his charms on a plentiful of less desirable princesses. As she rested her head on his broad shoulders, she knew in her hearts of hearts, that he was without a doubt her prince.

Meanwhile, as the prince cradled her beautiful head in his arms, he couldn’t shy away from the voices of self doubt that her family had besieged him with. Her devotion was not enough to quiet his lacking esteem.

This courtship continued, the princess in her boredom decided to find a job, to help her build her happily ever after with the prince. She was by in large a simple and uncomplicated girl, ready to move on from her title of princess to the Queen of her prince charming’s world.

In the midst of this, the kingdom was greeted with a wondrous witch. She had reluctantly renounced her title as a princess, and could no longer occupy the pretense of appearing as such. She had felt plagued by the kingdom’s disposition to make every girl its princess, and every boy a prince.

She had learnt from her pursuits to make every boy her prince charming, and knew that the magic she sought lay within her. Yet this realization was not easy to ferment in her core and so she sat in the kingdom’s Inn, inhaling-exhaling potions of soothing.

Whilst the princess carried on saving up for her happily ever after, so did the prince. Working in the kingdom’s Inn allowed him plentiful access to the princesses that walked in looking for amusement. And he was more than attributed with the charms to intoxicate these young maidens. After all, as they inhaled-exhaled potions of merridom, their inhibitions reduced, and prince charming appeared to be the perfect candidate to relish their fairytales in.  Indeed it was not as though he denied their amusing forthcomings.

Amongst the clouds of smoke, the prince noticed the witch. She in her intoxication did not become inclined to indulge in the amusements of the other princesses. This was interesting, he thought. He felt both curious and challenged by this. In the boredom of the monotonous work that occupied him whilst proving his worth, he allowed his mind to concoct ways to amuse the witch.

The witch was inclined towards solitude. Upon her reentry into the kingdom, she found little that made her want to remain there. While she had been away, she had somehow managed to become involved in an awkward situation, which she really didn’t want to discuss. However, as a result she had lost her beloved broomstick. One day, the witch was introduced to a fairy, who would fly in her pretty sparkly dresses, with her cute transparent wings, arriving at this Inn. The witch was curious about the fairy, and so over time, she lowered her guard and allowed the friendship to a fairy to permeate.

It was the princess’s birthday, and she had convinced her family that she wanted to spend the evening with her other best princess friends. She had secretly agreed to meet her prince that night. As she radiated prettiness, sparkling with a smile she was greeted by a pigeon tapping ever so lightly on her window. She opened the window, and unwrapped the note on the foot of the pigeon. It was from her beloved. As she wondered about why there was no parcel attached, like last year…she paid little notice to the loving note of reassurance. She was not impressed, and instead busied herself in opening the other parcels that awaited her. Flowers, chocolates, jewelry, clothing, aaah validation she thought, she did matter.

The prince had overslept. He knew today was very much like the previous day, nothingness accompanied by a late shift. As he waited for a loving reminder from his princess, he was disappointed to find that there were no pigeons waiting. He wasn’t surprised; his princess was known to behave irrationally for no apparent reason. He wondered what she had a concocted in her mind about his shortcomings today. As he recanted the events encircling his interactions, he was bemused by his chance interaction with the witch. He had begun to make her smile, a rarity in the Inn.

The witch was finding it difficult to keep her guard up; she knew her residency in the kingdom would be temporary. Therefore the forging of friendships was a luxury she didn't want to become accustomed to, only to have it wither away. Yet the fairy was a persistent kindness, whom she could not keep at bay. She sparkled with hope and satisfaction, qualities which the witch feigned being. In reality, the witch knew she was choking in bewilderment and disappointment at having misplaced her broom, thereby losing her ability to fly. The witch and fairy’s conversations carried on to the late nights, as their barriers came down. While the witch tried to anchor these fortresses from reaching their demise, the fairy merely sparkled and twinkled as she lowered her guard. In fact the witch was sure the fairy fluttered higher and higher as their conversations continued.

As the fortresses lifted, the witch began to engage in the reality that she was living in. Her conversations with the fairy had made her hopeful, wanting to embrace her new life in the kingdom. And so, when the prince stood before her, jokingly refusing entry into the Inn until she said his name, she was amused. He smiled, his gigantic stature leaning over her, and she found herself leaning in. And there it was, mutual attraction.

The princess could not understand, it was now evening and still no news from her beloved. No present even. How inconsiderate she thought, she knew how to play this game. She knew he had forgotten and so decided to not set herself up for disappointment that night, rallying her fellow princesses she headed towards the place where she knew she would find her beloved.

As evening stretched in to the kingdom, the prince yawned at the thought of having to serve the folk who had filled the Inn that evening. Unimpressed by the self-entitled Arabian princes, he wondered how birth in to wealth had set them up for worldly luxuries. These princes were coupled with groups of rude kingdom bois who were loud and rowdy, putting on an unwelcomed pantomime for everybody in the Inn. Although he knew a few people from the latter crowd, he no longer felt he could relate to them. He spoke momentarily with them, but noticed the fairy entering and decided he’d rather not lose his good standing with her. As he went in to the back of the Inn, wondering where the regal witch was, he was pleasantly surprised by the smiling witch.

The witch was used to visiting the Inn in the afternoons, there was a mellowness in the atmosphere allowing her to read, watch tv-shows… and thanks to the befriendment to the fairy, converse too. Today she had altered her plans to fit the fairy, who had sparkling plans which meant she was not free until the evening. And so as she went in to the back to sort out the potion concoction she was used to, she decided she wanted to try something different. As she tried one of the potions the Inn master was recommending, in walked the prince. She smiled, and returned to the conversation about changing her potion preference. She was unsure about the new concoction and didn't want to commit to it, the prince found this amusing, and offered to share his potion with her during his break.

The prince took the carefully prepared potion and joined the witch and fairy. As he sat with them, he was interested in the conversations the fairy and the witch busied themselves with. He interjected with inquiring about how the two ladies were yet to be betrothed. By the kingdoms standards, these ladies always sitting in the Inn unaccompanied by princes was a rarity. The fairy told him about her once upon a time, comfortably and confidently while the witch was less comfortable in sharing. She kept her story short and didn't want to appear like the damsel in distress. The prince offered the potion to the witch, staring in to her big eyes, ridiculing her in an attempt to make her feel more comfortable. Then he did what was used to his charming ways, complimenting the way she looked. She smiled and attraction grew more.

The witch was not impressed by the loud conversations taking place in the Inn that evening, convincing her that this kingdom held little for her. When the prince joined them she was shrugging off the attraction she had felt for him earlier that week. Unfortunately for her, he reminded her of a character from a fairytale she watched earlier that week. As he sat there bantering with the fairy, she fell in to montage of moments that she had subconsciously stored. A collection of the compliments the prince had made to her.

-       the time he had noticed she had worn a new earring
-       every time she wore her hair pulled back off her face, he said it looked nice
-       the time where he swore, sitting beside her and then apologized for using such language
-       the time he said she looked like an angel
-       the time when he stood before her, gesturing to her to remove her headphones just to say she looked glowing that day
-       the time he said she looked like a mint chocolate
-       the time when he had invited her to watch a fairytale with him
-       how her eye shadow matched her attire

The prince looked at her, and offered his potion, and the witch could not help but smile recalling these thoughts. She was suddenly surprised to see little butterflies appearing around her, she quickly waved them away, and quickly handed the prince’s potion back to him. What was in the potion that made her react this way?

The princess stretched her dress out, as she was about to enter the Inn that night. She looked good and she knew it, her prince would so regret ignoring her on her birthday.  As she walked in with her princesses loudly and giggling like little girls, the Arabian princes glared at them, while the rude kingdom bois said inappropriate things to one another about them. The princess looked around eagerly for her prince but to her disappointment could not see him. A pigeon with a red tape and a parcel flew in, tapping her ever so gently. She knew the red tape around the pigeon meant that this was an undelivered message and all of a sudden realised that her prince had not forgotten her gift. She unwrapped the parcel and found the necklace that she had hinted to him about all those months ago.

As the prince waited for his princess, he was yet again disappointed to find her not there. No pigeons in sight. He excused her lateness, accrediting his beloved to her girly tendencies of looking perfect. Thinking of beauty, he recalled how the witch looked at him that evening, as he handed her the potion. Her eyes had glistened ever so slightly and her smile was different to all those other times he had conversed with her. Could she like him? But what if she did, he didn't, he thought. She was attractive, there was no doubt about that, but he was taken, well kinda taken prince. Butterflies started to appear around him and he realised that he did like her.

A panicked princess walked up the street that had come to be known as their spot. It was here where the princess and fellow princesses had seen the prince playing sports that day… as they stared at him one of them decided to send him a pigeon praising his “skills”. As the unknown pigeon flew onto the pitch, preventing him from scoring that day, it did point out who the message was from.  As the pigeon stretched out its wing, identifying the group of princesses, the princesses screamed and flee. Unfortunately the princess had not worn suitable foot attire that day, and as she stumbled to run too, her heel pinched into the grass and she stumbled. Charming casually jogged over, with a big grin on his face, unnecessarily moving his hair off his face and smiled at her.

The witch was bantering with herself that night, as the fairy conjured up a carriage. The fairy inquired about her preoccupation and the witch just shrugged off her feelings. But then the butterflies appeared and as the witch waved them away, the fairy could not help but notice this behavior. The witch knew she would have to explain this bizarre behavior. Who knows, she thought, maybe the fairy could help.

The princess was relieved to find the prince still waiting for her, aaah confirmation of his affection for her she thought. As she walked up to him, she noticed his preoccupation; he was bizarrely waving in the air. She straightened herself up, making the beautiful twinkle around her neck visible to her beloved, but he was yet to notice her, or anything else. She apologized for her lateness, and explained how the pigeon was late in delivering the parcel. She justified her lateness, and as she did the prince just stood and hugged her tightly.

As the prince hugged her, relieved the butterflies were no longer in sight, he heard the princess explaining how she had visited the Inn that night. He pulled her away and looked at her, annoyed. She was dressed to perfection, her face glowing with attraction, and this did not impress him. How could she have gone to the Inn dressed this way? After all, the Inn was filled with dirty princes that night, who must have noticed his beloved. How could she have thought that he had forgotten, after all he had sent the pigeon? Sure he had set an automatic reminder for the day, and partially forgotten, but she didn't need to know that. He made her feel guiltier, and as she began to tear up, he embraced her and told her that it was okay. Even though it wasn’t. Not completely. 

The fairy giggled, as the witch looked utterly pathetic in her admitting feelings for the prince. As the fairy tried to console the witch, a pigeon flew in to the carriage. The fairy’s sister was inquiring about her whereabouts, as she had received news that a fight had broken out at the Inn. The fairy told the witch about this, the witch becoming concerned about Charming and his safety. When she reached home, despite advice from the fairy to leave the butterflies be, she decided to send a pigeon to Charming.

As the prince closed the carriage door, holding out his hand for his princess, a pigeon floated in. He noticed the black band around the pigeon, an unknown had sent him a message, he took the note and stuffed it into his pocket. He walked her to the wall near her house, which would conceal him from the princesses’ family and wished her a good night. He walked towards the carriage, kicking a pebble, expressing his annoyance at the actions his princess had taken that night. He didn’t understand why she would behave in this way, how could she have been this insecure of his feelings for her. He wanted to marry her, now if he could, had the King not set so many conditions on their betrothment, devaluing his worth. He knew how to be a King too, at least far better than the Arabian princes from the Inn that night, those Arabian princes who had no doubt ogled at his beloved – but why did she go there? At this point, another pigeon flew in from the Inn manager who explained how there was fight at the Inn between the two groups, but thankfully nobody got hurt. This enraged the prince even more.

The princess kept the necklace on as she got in to bed, and was happy to see a pigeon tapping at her side from her prince. As she smiled at the pigeon, gently taking the note, she remembered the sweetness in her prince’s embrace that night. The note was not sweet, it expressed the prince’s annoyance at her having visited the Inn that night and how she could of gone dressed that way. It informed her that a fight broke out between the two groups as the Arabian princes behaved disrespectfully towards one of the princesses there. This was not true, but the prince wanted his beloved to understand the danger for a princess to go these places unaccompanied. She replied apologetic and sent lots of kisses, reassuring him of her devotion to him.

As the witch got into bed that night, she was wrestling with her own self. Why did she send that pigeon to Charming? What was she thinking? If he did get hurt, then she would learn about it in the morrow, but no she had to be a chump and express concern for the Charming working at the Inn! It had been several hours since she had sent the pigeon, and she felt completely obliterated by the feeling of vulnerability. He was…is a soon to be betrothed prince, what was she expecting from this situation? There was no situation, she told herself, and as she did so a tiny butterfly appeared and sat on her nose. The witch thought it was cute and a definite improvement from the bundles that were appearing in the Inn that night.

The prince was satisfied by the reply he had received from his princess, and as he undressed he remembered the note he had stuffed in his pocket earlier that night. He could not hold back a cheeky grin, as he learnt who it was from. He replied instantly, reassuring the witch that he was okay and that nobody got hurt. He was flattered to learn that she cared enough to send him a pigeon, and quickly added her to his contacts.

The witch smiled in her sleeped state to learn that Charming had sent her a pigeon back. When she went to the Inn the following day, she began to always notice Charming in her peripheral vision. And as days rolled by, the days that Charming wasn’t there began to affect her. Was it the bundles of compliments he said to her when no one was around? Or was it because she actually liked him? But how could she like the smooth-talking lady charming Inn prince? He was so immature, but so tall… it must have been the new potion she started inhaling and exhaling, the one that the prince would make, that must have been the reason for this internal diatribe. And so when she went to the Inn that day, she decided to inhale-exhale the old potion. She stood in the back, knowing her Charming, I mean Charming would not be there, he wasn't working that day, unbeknownst to her she had learned his schedule.

The prince was not happy that he was told to work that day; he had stayed out the whole night engaging in merriment. As he dragged his feet into the Inn that day, he was happy to see the fairy there. This meant the witch would be around. He went into the back, finding his Inn crush dressed appealingly. He smiled at her, and asked why she wasn’t inhaling his concoction that day. The witch didn't make eye contact and sounded flustered. He stood beside her, and told her she smelt nice. And there it was, she looked up at him, and smiled politely at him saying thank you. He asked about her day, and the witch decided let down her barriers and explained her family’s predicament of finding her a suitor. He found this amusing, and asked her to describe her perfect prince. As she finished describing him, a very short list he thought, he smiled cheekily and said it sounded like she was describing him. He made her blush, and stutter, and then rush out of the back. He couldn't believe it, he had made the wondrous witch speechless.

The witch rushed out of the back, not completely believing what had just happened. She knew what was going to happen, and yes it did happen, a storm of butterflies flew in, fluttering in and around her hair. She couldn't ignore them, and as she sat down with the fairy, she confusedly retold her what had just happened. But Charming entering with the fairy’s concoction cut the story short. He told the fairy that they needed to find the witch a prince, and it sounded to him that he fit the mold. The fairy laughed at this, and the witch blushed even more, having no way to respond. The fairy looked at the witch, who looked completely horrified. She reassured her that this was just a phase, and that she would get over it. He was a prince, and the witch needed a King of some sort, someone who already knew himself and did not need the validation of princesses to pass time.

The prince went home that night completely exhausted. And as he was about send a pigeon to his princess, he noticed the pigeon that had flew in from none other than the witch. He knew he had hit a nerve with her that night and totally loved the attention from what the Inn workers referred to as the unique witch. He engaged in banter with her, and all of a sudden was surprised by what he was reading. She told him how she wished he wasn’t so tall, and he said he wished she wasn't so attractive. She replied saying she wished he wasn't so cute, and he wished she wasn't so pretty. And as the conversation continued, pigeon feathers could be found all around both of their rooms. He finally admitted that he liked her, and she replied instantly with the same proclamation. He invited her to secret rendezvous and she agreed.

The witch had had a difficult week. In the midst of satisfying her parents, she had began to see herself through their eyes. An old maiden, expired… clearly not a desirable princess. And so, anyone who came a-knocking, prince or otherwise, was dealt to the witch as a suitable prospect.  She was told she was being too fussy, too difficult, that attraction grew after betrothing. The witch knew the falsehood in these allegations but hearing these things over and over made her question the value of her own opinion. She missed her broomstick; somehow her conviction and self-worth had been tied to it. As night came to be in the kingdom, the witch struggled to fall asleep. She needed a distraction, who but Charming could provide this?  

The rendezvous took place in broad daylight, and as the witch bantered with her better judgment, a pigeon flew in from Charming informing her of his whereabouts. Charming had big grin on his face, as the witch walked towards him. She couldn't help but notice that he looked far better in her imagination, but it was clearly too late to back out now. There were no butterflies that fluttered in, and as they sat beside one another it was clear that Charming was not for her happily ever after. As time passed, days turned into weeks and then months, the witch realised the worth in her own character. Conversations with the fairy and other kingdom characters helped reassure her of her own worth. And as she looked in the mirror she couldn’t help see her true reflection. She was not a witch at all, she was in fact a fairy, born to be free from the judgments of the kingdom and as she walked to the Inn that day she realised that she had grown her own wings.

Her opinion of Charming grew less and less, and although the butterflies came and went she began to see the reality of the situation. Charming continued in his charming ways, engaging in merriment with the Inn princesses, with his flirtatious demeanor making inappropriate comments to her and no doubt to others. And so, with these new wings she flew far away from the kingdom, knowing that one day she would return, content that it wouldn’t be in to the arms of Charming. The prince and princess married and lived happily ever after. 




Monday, 21 March 2016

Crushing Crushes


In spite of my age
I can’t ever seem to turn this certain page,
And I wonder,
Will I ever grow up?

How I like,
You said it’s endearing,
You said you want to be liked like that,
Leaving me wondering why I engaged in
this repertoire with you in the first place.

You see,
It happens ever so gradually…
A smile there, a compliment here,
Eye contact over there, registering him in your peripheral vision everywhere,
And all of a sudden I don't even have to be there
To know I would rather be nowhere
With him,
Then without.

It's illogical.
She listed all the irksome qualities about him,
Pointed to them, underlined them, heck even highlighted them…
And you know what I had the audacity to do it?
I spray painted the four things I liked about him,
In block capitals…
And that was that.

I told the boy about the other boy,
Told him about the butterflies,
“Awwwwww”
How I couldn't speak properly around him,
“That’s nice.”
Like all the bloody butterflies in my chest managed to choke me when I was around him,
“Oh.”
And this was how I always crushed.

She mustn’t like me that much; she doesn't talk to me as much as she talks to him.

And with this sentiment, my crush crushed me.