Servitude

There is an ambiance

Of imbalance

In my heart,

Prolonged by own ineptness

To understand.

This incomprehension

Has led me astray

Willingly,

Gradually,

Nurturing

An enslavement to doubt.

Time magnifies these

Draining emotions

As I continue to

Hold on

To all the matters

That have factored

To my present dismay.

Letting go

Is never easy,

It shows an acceptance

To the abhorrence

Committed by one’s own self,

Against one’s own self…

In our neurosis

We look to blame,

Blaming others,

The easiest reflex,  

But then

When there is no one

Left to blame,

We blame ourselves.

Of course

As true as this latter blame maybe

This is beside the point,

A point we are contended

Not to turn over,

Simply because the alternative

Is a far more difficult

Stage to rise to…

The reality of our

Enslavement,

We are

Without a doubt

Enslaved to something

This is our choice

It could be our despair

our desires

our depression

our jobs

our over sleeped states

our relationships

our lifestyles

We want to be free

And so we are free,

But this does not excuse

Our purpose, for why we are here

And with this free will

We are tricked,

And over time

We are slowly driven to another enslavement…

An enslavement we should realise,

Before it’s too late –

And with forgetfulness

And Idol-ness

We invite him,

The despised creature

Who lingers in our selfish desires,

Who marvels in our weakened state…

And so,

My conviction has weakened,

My heart darkened,

My certitude feeble,

All because of my choice,

My choice

To be enslaved to doubt

And regret,

Instead of returning to Him.

Repentance

Returning to Him,

An easy enough solution,

But not so easily done,

Why?

Because I have questions

Questions about my worthiness

My wretchedness.

My memories are

Etched in stone,

I can’t escape them,

And with them I welcome

him, the disgusting creation

back.

I am waiting,

Waiting for the

Reinstillation of faith,

When I have atoned enough.

I don’t know

When this will be,

When my servitude

To Him will be true,

And permanent,
This much I have hope for,
This much I don't doubt,
Maybe then Insha’Allah,

I will be saved.