Rehab

Today I buried you,

I forgot your location,

I detached those memories,

I rationalised actions,

I forgave shortcomings,

I compartmentalised part of me.

I trialled enveloping

In preoccupation,

And test ran

Masquerading in merridom,

An obvious bandage,

For poor judgement,

And bad choices.

Yet

Day by day,

Trickling time twitches reminders,

And temporarily

Buried thoughts,

Twinkle,

Like specs of dirt on your character,

And soon it all

Resurfaced,

Boiling from the ground beneath,

Engrossing me,

Like quicksand,

The more I struggled to break free,

The more I was consumed,

                                                More

                                                            More

                                                                        And more.

Today is not a good day,

Today I relapsed,

Today I enrolled again in rehab,

Resubmitting my application…

Name: “Foolish Ignorant”

Age: “Old enough”

Background: “Was good.

Once upon a time”

Symptoms: “Anger, self-loathing, impatience.”

Medicine: “Religion, take all the time,

And compartmentalise the rest”

Audhu Billahi Minashaitan ir Rajeem
-

 I seek refuge from the accursed Satan,

Day one…

Casette Player

Sometimes I catch myself spending time staring at time,
Wondering when these feelings will pass,
Yearning for those times settled in dust –
and now wiped away –
All because of the passing of time.

But when I go back,
Its not the same,
The yearning is still there –
And so like a cassette player being rewound and forwarded,
Sentimental attachment is given to the prior life,
Then the present life,
And then the prior life...

Neither are giving me the answer that I’m looking for –
What about my future?
The truth is,
This fear of the unknown has led me to give up on it.

So forgive me and my futile thoughts,
The truth is I don’t belong here,
Or there.

Today a one-eyed Egyptian old lady presented me with a marriage proposal,
In spite of clinging to our Mother tongues...
neither of us were lost in translation -

And so,
I will wait for the Future to translate itself,
To offer me Guidance,
Untainted with my own ignorance and expectations.

But with my sisters, for sure.

A future that promises a love and acceptance of everything,
Only for the sake of our Creator.
I will learn to trust better, I will get there. Insha’Allah.

Dates

Twas the beginning of something new,
With old hang-ups,
But new surroundings,
These dates that pass me by,
Mark mistakes made,
Lessons learnt,
Same mistakes twice,
Thrice,
When will these consecutive errors cease to exist?
Do I cut them out?
The people associated with them?
When will this mummified guilt leave me?
When will this introspective nature surpass –
And finally leave me unhaunted?

I circumumbulated the Ka’aba when it was quiet,
I circumumbulated the Ka’aba when it was busy,
I climbed Mount Uhud,
I performed Umrah,
I prostrated in Rawdah,
I prayed here,
I prayed there –

Yet the daunting failures in my own character leaves me wanting to escape,
Running away appears to be the best solution,
It’s too messed up,
The prospect of returning,
I would rather start over again,
With unknown surroundings,
Unknown people,
So long as I can breath the freshness of solace,
And enjoy the beauty of my surroundings,
And exhale the distraction and comfort in smoke,
I’ll be fine.

Crossroads currently mark these dates in my life,
With uncertainty encircling,
And unsettling fear,
Will I fall back entrapped?

Hmm.

Twinkle, twinkle, little stars...

They sparkle and twinkle,
In broad daylight,
Like magical balls of gas exploding in the night sky,
In spite of witnessing –
Woes far beyond their innocent years.

Intelligent beyond their years,
Blessed with the tongue of the most pious,
With ambitions stirring,
Dreams dreaming,
In spite of being encaged in an institution -
Threatening their creativity,
They do not conform,
They fight,
They challenge...

They have determination,
They are strong independent Princesses’,
With attitude,
And humbleness,
Unlike what the generations before have witnessed.

Fortunate to have met them,
Honoured to have taught them,
Carry on ladies ;)
Wishing you all the best insha’Allah!