Companionship

Companionship…

I never wanted to make it on my own

Believe you me

I journeyed near and far to ensure this wouldn’t be the case

And though many companions came to light

Their remnants is all that lingers.

You see,

The duality of expectations and permanence

Came to be unfounded

And they outgrew me.

Don’t get me wrong,

I’m not complaining,

Merely realising the realities of leading this worldly existence.

Alhough the blessings of parental support was important,

And sisterly banter catered to a contentment

none other could provide,

I sit here, alone

Contemplating these contemplations,

Disconnected,

Knowing that ultimately I am to face these tribulations

Tirelessly,

On my own.

The beauties of gratitude

As a result of these companions
Are not palpable all the time

Nevertheless their mere temporary presence
Has led me to the most inspired of thoughts.

Since each companion
In their own way offered some light …

Some support

Some loyalty

Some creativity

Some healing

Some love

Some happiness!

Yet all of these comforting qualities
From various individuals

(Some of whom were even fictitious!)

Have moved on,

They are leading a path not in conjunction with mine…

And so these fluttering thoughts of
Disappointment disappoint me.

After all...

Friendships unveiled themselves as false and fleeting,

Solemn courtships came to be of no real consequence,

Inspiring students progressed in their education,

And family became preoccupied,
Companionship with these ^
could not transcend time
or their changed priorities.

Yet today

It dawned upon me,

All these qualities that I desperately sought after,
- Both here and there----------------->,

Are beyond human capabilities,

Each companion having provided some healing,

But none mirrored the Permanent Companionship,
I was in search of, for so long.

After all, much to my dismay
And mini-me's vision of future happily ever after,
With a true companion,

There was no prince charming that was going to facilitate this.

Yet of course

There was and is one faculty of Sustenance that was forgotten,

Of Who’s Companionship is Never-Ending

And is of the most importance,
The Most True and Everlasting...

After all it is to whom both you,

And I journeying.  

In this way,

Having realised this realisation,

I feel less burdened with this matter,

Knowing,
No matter the matter

I will never lose

Or outgrow His Companionship.

Like I said,

My worldly companions have and will outgrow me,

Or maybe it's vice versa,

Nevertheless, it’s ok...

I have a True Companion unlike any other!

Insha’Allah may He be the Beacon that allows me to never sit here beside myself pondering these thoughts again J

Ma a3rif

With several paired eyes

Gazing at the ambience of wisdom

Which she believed to be random uninspired ramblings

Of a naïve, big 8alb-ed, girl –

They found clarity in her ensemble of words

She found healing in their attentiveness

A validation

A high, which no argyllah could substitute.

Still, heyyah abghah argyllah.

A recognised flaw,

Yet, hee'yah tahib argyllah,

Lesh?

She deluded herself

The truth –

When she wasn’t around their preciousness

The challenging melody:

Ani ani ani

Abgha abgha abgha

Was too much to handle

With a backbeat a decade old

A guaranteed abgha that so many make belief tales had foretold

Lakhin mita, mita, mita?

See how these thoughts 

Encompass her –

Alhumdullilah, bukhraa madrasa

And they will be there,

With tired sleepy eyes,

Carrying the biggest challenge known to us all alike –

Staying awake,

For the knowledge, we are supposed givers of.

The reality is,

They are and will be pieces to me,

And I,

A piece to them –

A temporary filler,

As they join the plain of a partial reality,

Away from their Rincess lifestyles

And a clueless future,

I want them to be so much more –

Uh-oh,

See how my wants somehow resurface?

Pass me the argyllah

And let me silence these abghas -

Ma a3rif.

Decisions

The voice plucked away at her conscience, reminding her of the repercussions of the path she was settling to take –

She whispered hush to it again, and now bequeathed familiars to decorate her surroundings.

As she perfumed herself, the whispers began again, pleading with her not to go ahead.

She momentarily paid the whispers some heed, and learnt that in spite of the wretchedness that she had allowed herself to delve into, redemption would not be granted through this route.

The guilt - as overwhelming as it is,

Would not be poured out through a union, which she had now began tip toeing towards.

She hushed the voice, and continued aiding decorations to the marquee in which the bondship would be celebrated.

Several weeks earlier,

The whispers had manifested itself in a most beautiful dream showing the alleyway she needed to take in order to journey to the land of the most sacred mountains, and of course the Greatest symbol of His Existence!

What she couldn’t make sense of was the relevance of this journey, as she had only just returned from it. Yet this didn’t appear to be familiar to her, as there was no sign of her chosen companion in her dream.

She knew, deep down, that this was the point… but instead she hushed the dream, and resided to tackle this voice constantly

as the days filtered by –

It was a Thursday night,

They were inside conversing away, and as she fiddled with her left finger,

She began to wonder about the whispers,

And why they had stopped,

Then the whispers began again.

As she sat accompanied with so many familiar faces,

She decided to slip away with solitude and recited what provided silent healing.

As she now sat with the moon above her,

Now accompanied by the quietude of the night,

She began to hesitate,

Her left finger feeling heavy,

Distasteful,

And then reason was

Silenced by guilt,

She couldn’t go back

How could she?

No,

She couldn’t,

She wouldn’t.

It was Sunday,

Hope stood still at her doorstep,

As she hesitated to catch her breath,

Leave me alone,

She whispered to herself as she sat painting her face,
an attempt to be more than just ‘nice looking’.

Her companions entered,

And brought news of deceit and dishonor,

Only moments earlier,

The trepidations of lingering hope had released a quixotic atmosphere around her,

And everything around her tasted sweet and melodious,

And so she decided this bitterness was to be expected,

Right?

After all she couldn't believe the certainty of belief in childhood dreams coming true this presented, and there was no way she would tell hope to exit.

She skipped downstairs,

Hand held tightly to hope,

Showing open support of it,

She was then greeted with a manifestation of what the voice had warned her about. 
She couldn’t make sense of it,

Though she knew what this meant,

Her false eyelashes could not tackle the salty waters’ release,

And one by one,

These fell from their assigned place.

Deceit clogged her surroundings,

As the reality of a disgusting individual was realised,

She blamed herself,

Residing to accept her own nature as such…

Beginning her journey of drowning in guilt.

She wanted to go back,

Wanting to live in ignorance,

But knowing fully well she couldn’t.

And so…

She overslept,

Under ate,

Overly cried,

Exchanged angry words,

Cursed herself,

And those around her,

Ending her friendship with hope.

She needed rescuing,

The overwhelming guilt whispered the wretchedness of her character,

Telling her that she deserved this,

And despite the attempts from loved ones,

It was not enough,

It would never be enough,

She questioned the concept of love in itself,

Believing it to be a synonym for deceit,

And so decided never ever to be fooled by it again.

The phone rang,

It was Divine intervention,

And she was called to her Savior.

Her earlier dream, became a reality.

For the first time she didn’t want to go back,

She stood still in the grandness of the symbol of the Greatest Reality,

Deciding to apologise to hope,

And pleaded redemption for befriending despair –

Whether this will be granted,

Is yet to be Foretold,

But she no longer cared to be a victim to her perceived misfortune,

After all,
She was by all means it's antonym,

As her surroundings welcomed her,

By name,
Purifying her,

Healing her.

Allahuakbar. SubhanAllah. Alhumdullilah.

Blink...Blink...Blink.

Have you ever stared directly at the Light?

As we forget to blink -

a basic human requirement -

mesmerized,

the proximity of the light expands

and everything is so clear,

Your nafs in awe, silent -

Until it reasserts itself,

forcing the inevitable,

blink...blink...blink,

and all the pointless contemplations resurface,

But the tiny specs of coloured light remain,

If only momentarily,

And poof-

Our worries, our fears, our hunger for the satisfaction of our desires crystallize our thoughts,

Even when one is in Madinah Manawarrah -

What about when I leave Madinah? What is next? When will I be back? When will I be able to experience this tranquility again?

blink...blink..blink,

With every blink we move closer to forgetfulness,

The stillness of the most tranquil moments are interrupted -

blink...blink..blink,

So why do we blink?

Allah Knows Best.