Guilt

What I would like to know,
Is when will you stop?
When will you leave me alone?
- and emerge satisfied,
Parting with me,
Until your insistence
leaves behind
a truly failed human being?

All the drama,
Dissatisfaction,
Despicableness,
Dishonor,
Disloyalty,
Will finally no longer be the prerequisites for living,
And some peace
will be scrounged,
Enough to surpass any guilt
of having lived hypocrisy.

There is a darkness that persists
deep within me
and no matter the glorious moments
of Light
and being found,
my shadow grieves me,
frightens me,
taunts me,
and soon thereafter
I have to face the reality
of what my own hands have earned.

Repentance releases
some forbearance,
(Maybe I can be saved)
Yet continued existence
Deviates my mind,
To remember,
To recall,
To understand,
To apply religious melodies
to my own
case study of existence,
And after careful evaluation,
There is no shying away from the conclusion,
Something that can be summed up,
With an obvious judgement...

I am unworthy of Heaven,
Unworthy of salvation?

Does this mean I have failed my assignment?
And if so why is the floor beneath me not opening,
swallowing me whole?
Why is my inevitable destination,
Being prolonged from greeting me?
Is it because it's all a joke?

We are told that Saint
Rabia Al-Basri ran around with fire in one hand,
and water in the other,
hoping to burn Heaven
and drown out the fires of Hell,
So,
those who worshipped out of fear
or loved entry into its polar opposite,
Would not so,
And instead, worship out of pleasure,
To please our Creator,
To honor our Covenant.

So this is where I am now,
Worshipping to honor my Covenant,
To acknowledge my Creator,
Not out of want of Heaven,
Nor from fear of entering Hell,
But because
I need to,
I want to,
Because God is One,
And my actions poly;
good, great, bad, hypocritical,
But my journey is not over,
My meeting is still forthcoming,
And I know my reunion
Is with One,
So to not acknowledge His existence
Appears foolish to me,
And so my conclusion is...
My salvation lies with my worship, Insha'Allah.